thank god
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It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
another case of gang violins
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
🤣😂
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE