Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.