Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Pretty much. 🤣
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.