Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.