Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
You Might Also Like
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
estão todos miauvindo?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”