Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

sometimes we need to be reminded

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.