Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

tfw you realize …

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

me linking you to my twitter

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?