Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Happy Thanksgiving
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.