Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”