Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us