Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh ManateeScientists start rage screaming
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??