Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.