Thank heavens for community notes
You Might Also Like
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.