Thank heavens for community notes
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store