Thank heavens for community notes
You Might Also Like
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.