Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
You Might Also Like
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2