Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.