thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
