thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
fired
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.