Thank you 🥹
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.