Thank you 🥹
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Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The first matador
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”