Thank you 🥹
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Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.