Thank you š„¹
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Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think thereās a sniper somewhere.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasnāt seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when itās scooter broke down?
Ewokād the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
*returns copy of āhow to stop procrastinatingā at high school reunion*
Will I understand F-35 if I havenāt seen F-1 thru F-34?
I hate when Iām trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now itās probably to drop off.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworkerās face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My husband is a keeper.
No, thatās not the word.
Hoarder. Heās a hoarder.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! Itās my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me justā¦waitā¦
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, Iām your husband!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Iām on hold. My call is important to them.
my nickname in college
I donāt use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: āI know what the slogan says maāam, we arenāt THAT kind of family.ā
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: Iām so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curieās Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Just Once iād like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Iām 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that youāve been seeing āfloatersā when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
BOSS: youāre fired
ME: is it because I wonāt take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I wonāt take no for an answer?
Donāt make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliensā¦ I think my cough medicine expired
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury