Thank you 🥹
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.