Thank you 🥹
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Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Möther may I have a snäck
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me when my alarm goes off
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
When someone trying to leave me
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.