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Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth āBring Yourself To Work Dayā
HIM: Iām not crying, youāre crying
ME: weāre all crying, this is a funeral
Complete list of all the words I know to āThe Macarenaā:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because Iām tempted to ask what cause they are referring toā¦ clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I bet a lot of guys who donāt think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Arenāt we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: ā¦so thatās a no
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, Iāve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, Iām not taking homework assignments from you.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hardā¦nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I canāt lose weight, thatās where all my fattitude is
I donāt understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who wouldā¦.
*checks notes*
ā¦trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Tai Chi is so crazy because itās like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto āah-ha-ha-ha-ā intro to Stayinā Alive
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Iāve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I tried a little beginnerās yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leaveā¦this is cat day
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Sometimes I think Iām creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named āMr. Fishā and a second named āAlso Mr. Fishā.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that Iāll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Therapist: youāve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, Iām on a diet.
( 12am )
Me: