“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
You Might Also Like
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Clients after you give them your rates
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no