“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
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I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Denise please return my vape pen
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless