Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Just a bush.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

The news is so predictable nowadays

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.