Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
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What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume