Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.