Thank you corporation very cool
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me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
shakira sharkira
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.