Thank you corporation very cool
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!