Thank you corporation very cool

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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.


People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.


Unless you are taking me with you, I don’t want to hear about your vacation to Mexico.


I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”


Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.


I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.


Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”


Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?