Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.

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My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.


I hope the guy who named the “walkie talkie” called his home phone “standie talkie” and his toilet “sittie shitty”.


I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too


I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”


Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.


im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time


We are the people our parents warned us about.


[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying