thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
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“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
We don’t deserve birds.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”