“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
HERE’S MARKY
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.