Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?