Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

make up your mind

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

Mistakes were made

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.