Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.