Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Bobby pin

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

Products that are really small are like free samples, right?

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.