Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there