Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.