Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

bros in the example zone 😭

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…