Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

wish me luck lads

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

When ur friends with white people

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.