Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.