Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it