Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!