Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”