Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
kitchen magnet
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.