Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
You Might Also Like
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Breaking news:
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.