Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after