Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.