Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

The second world war should have been called world war returns

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more