Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

There’s no “us” in nachos.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.