Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !