Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

good cop: you do not have to talk to us

bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.