Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My beach vacation Google searches
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass