Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Cop lights are so pretty at night

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?