Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Wake me when AI does housework
honey, bring out the fine china.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no