Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You Might Also Like
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.