Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
You Might Also Like
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me too
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
$4 #usedbooks
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍