Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
the dark web is just a goth google.
