Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich