Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again