Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

bartender: pick your poison

wicked witch of the west: water

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.