Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
First I was a pebble..
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”