Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
the red hot silly peppers