Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Lol.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here