[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
‘Dude – just get a watch.’
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
“How come Americans write the month first?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today”
“It’s the fourth of July”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”