Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics