Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
