Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Ape together strong
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.