Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
You Might Also Like
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
