Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Who called it baking and not making love
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
#Caturday
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.