Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?