Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
tourist season
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”