5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
also my go-to takeaway order
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.