@putopao

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

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@inmynewskin

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

@iGreenGod

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

@wickedsuga

I won’t block you, but I will put a curse on you that you’ll never be able to finish a sneeze ever again for the rest of your life.

@notfaizzy

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

@JoeRegular4

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.