Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
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Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.