Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

How about daylight saves us for once

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.